her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
