What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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