Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
