There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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