We got so high we made milksteak
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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