Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
