Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
