The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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