College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
