she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
My dick has a subreddit
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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