i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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