I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
