living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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