i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The uberlube is also flammable
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
