if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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