Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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