i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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