Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
