So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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