What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
