I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
