I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
