then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
