I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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