my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
