did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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