worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
