I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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