Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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