you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
