i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
