I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
