He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
