This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
