In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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