So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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