My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
