i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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