it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Be still, my beating vagina.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
