Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
