We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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