why didn't you poke me back
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
did i just pee glitter
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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