Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
it wasn't lemon gatorade
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
