everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize