You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
