Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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