A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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