Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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