i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
