Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
