I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
