Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
