she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
