I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
