Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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