apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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