then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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