I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
