...so i touched it.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
