It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
