he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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