Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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