I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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