You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
