Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
